Outside the sky is grey and, as I look out through the rain spattered windows, it's like it's stripped all the colour from the landscape. Even the ivy that creeps up the garden wall seems a dull and muted green.
"I should go for a walk" bubbles up as a thought in my mind. But I don't feel like it. "I should go and sort the laundry" pops up next. I don't feel like that either. Hmm, what DO I feel like doing? To answer that I need to know how I feel which means dropping under the "should's" and listening to my body instead of my mind.
Body versus Head
Sometimes the quiet whisper inside me asks me to immerse myself in beautiful and wholesome things. Or it feels motivated to get lots of things done and be really productive. It might add a desire for nourishing food and to move my body. When I feel that way, I feel so good about myself. "Look at me with my healthy choices, self control and ninja multitasking!".
Other times an inner voice asks for the banal and mindless. Like binge-watching an entire series on Netflix or lying in bed reading a throwaway novel. It might add in a request for some cheesy wotsits and a bar of dairy milk. When that voice chimes in, I can slip into self criticism. "Why are you being so lazy? You should be eating healthy food, not this junk".
I notice that for me there's often a subtle "grading" system that evaluates my desires. It constantly wants to assess and judge what I want against some invisible standard. Implicit in that watchful judging is a belief that if I'm not vigilant, I'll slide into slovenly abandon and never achieve what I should.
Do you have an inner voice like this too?
"Push" Mode
For much of my life, I have flipped between extremes of this nature and my worth and self esteem was linked to whether I was doing what I "should". If I chose the nature walk over the couch then I was winning. If I chose rest then I was weak and failing.
It felt almost dangerous to allow myself to just sit back and let go, especially if there was things to get done. Surely I should always choose the path that leads me to deep and meaningful pursuits and achievement? I would doubt my instincts and desires if I felt pulled towards closing the curtains and curling up on a chair.
Instead, I would race to find something worthy to do or, worse, I would be stuck in the limbo of not relaxing and not "doing" either. For me that looks like scrolling on my phone whilst stood leaning against the kitchen worktop. Or halfheartedly starting multiple jobs that need doing but not getting anywhere.
Learning to TRUST myself
When I trust myself completely, I know that if I want to sack everything off and do nothing it won't last forever. That even the most binge-worthy of shows will eventually leave me restless for activity (or I’ll finish the series 😂!). It's safe and ok to listen and do what I want, even if the judging part of my mind tells me it's a waste of time.
There's no such thing as a bad choice if it's made from a place of truly listening to what you need.
If I go for a walk in the woods because I feel like I "should" but really my body is craving rest and recuperation then it's likely that I'll still feel disconnected. But if the thought of wandering through the trees makes me feel lighter inside, then it's where I should be.
Likewise, if I snuggle under my duvet to watch an epic marathon of TV but it's because I want to avoid feeling something dark and complicated, then I'll end up feeling grubby and disappointed in myself. Other times, it can feel deliciously nourishing to indulge in choosing to be fully present and absorbed in a great show.
How can you trust yourself?
In reality, we all make choices from both places: from the aligned and truest version of us and from the afraid and hidden parts of ourselves.
It's not the action we take that determines if it's the right thing to do, it's the energy and intention behind it. So if you've found yourself being drawn to "bad" activities, please stop right now and let yourself hear this.
You are allowed to do what you want to do. You are allowed to want to do things which seem lazy and unproductive. BUT only if you truly listen to what you WANT first!
Awareness is the beginning
So how can you make sure you are acting in your own best interests?
One way is to drop into stillness and connection with yourself each day, even just for a few minutes. That quiet whisper? It needs you to be silent first so you can hear it.
That's why learning how to meditate is such a powerful tool in your life. It will allow you to hear yourself better so that you can make the right choices for YOU, moment by moment.
As for my decision on this grey day? I realised what I actually needed was to move my body and breath to shift my energy out of stagnation. Once I did that, clarity came back about what would nourish me and I spent time pottering in the kitchen. The forest can wait!
How to build Ninja Mind Skills
I call the ability to manage the conditions inside of yourself 'Ninja Mind Skills'. It's not a one size fits all or static process. Rather it's a way to adapt and be flexible within your own mind, with a big dose of kindness for yourself along the way.
You can learn to experience things differently so you can trust yourself more and feel less stressed by the realities of our modern world that never stops.
If you'd like to build some Ninja Mind Skills in the New Year, I have some great options for you:
Get Started Now! My Free mini meditation course that will gift you with a 5 minute practice that will blow your mind with how simple it can be to tune in. CLICK HERE TO GET THIS
Join Be Membership and get access to the 21 Day Calm and Clarity Reset straight away: this will literally take you buy the hand to understand what and how you can create space in your mind. CLICK HERE TO JOIN US AND USE THE CODE 'Winterfree' FOR A MONTH FREE (YOU CAN CANCEL ANYTIME)
Sign up for FREE to my new 'Feel Good Friday' sessions. This is 30 minutes at 9am every Friday to take some gentle movement, breathe and pause. This is perfect if being completely still feels challenging and you'd like to feel more at home in your own skin. CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP AND RECEIVE REMINDERS
How do you make time to know what you want?
I'd love to hear from you - how do you break out of feeling stuck? Do you find that it's hard to do what you want and meet your own needs? Perhaps you have lots of people relying on you and pressure and it doesn't feel straightforward. Or maybe you're experiencing a big change or hormonal fluctuations and it's feeling harder than ever to find your steady place.
If you'd like to chat and see if I can help you find clarity and calm again, you can book a free discovery call with me below. Sometimes it's just good to speak out loud about how you're feeling.
Much love for now, Laura @ Be.
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